Please meet me where I am, which is nowhere. I sit with folded hands on my knees, head against the cold hard wall of my present. Haunted by the phantom weight on my ring finger, intermittently clutching the empty belly that carried my babies.
There is space everywhere, in my heart, in my belly, in my head, but I sit nowhere. I sit at the black wall of circumstance. Someone put a match to my life and I only have a thimble of water.
Lord, please find me in this moment, in the nothingness and the nowhereness. I need you more than I ever have or probably ever will again. I have been chucked rudely to the side. I am discarded and broken now and the emptiness wants to consume me, I feel it.
Lord meet me in this moment, whether I cry out in fear or hate, or despair. Meet me when I can’t see the bigger picture. Meet me at the end of this life and the precipice of a new one, even if it’s one I didn’t want or choose.
Lord, give me a purpose bigger than survival. Give me once again the gift of fight. Give me more strength than I have on collapsed legs. Lend me the armor I am without. Give me a gentle whisper when the ringing in my head gets so loud I can’t drown it out.
Meet me in the blackness, the bleakness, in my weakness at the wall. Give me one small glimpse of what’s on the other side. Give me hope and calm, and breath in my lungs when the air feels too heavy to inhale.
I bang my head against the wall. I do not want to be here. I do not want to be at the end and the beginning waiting just to move. Lord God, I beg you to meet me at the wall.
Rescue me from the brokenness. Lift me in your arms and carry me far away from the wall. I am drenched in despair but cloaked in your righteousness. Meet me Lord in this place at the end of the world.
Give me wings to fly over the wall, the strength to scratch a hole in the side of it, tunneling my way to freedom one tiny spoonful at a time. Lord God I beg you to meet me at the wall.
Find me in the darkness. Find me on my knees. Find me where I am in the nothingness. Lord meet me on the precipice of a future I can’t see.
Meet me at the fork in the path. Lead me down this scary path. Brush aside the serpents, the tangled mess of rocks and branches. Carry me when my feet will not move forward, when they buckle beneath the weight of this world.
Lord I cry out to you from inside myself. I am screaming with silent lips. Can you hear me? Can you find me at the wall?
I will stand eventually and I will need you to scoop me up. I will need you to take me in your embrace and remind me who I really belong to. It’s not to a man. It’s not to my children. It’s not even to myself.
I belong to you and I know you will use these lips again to confess a pain others are feeling now too.
I can almost see them, hundreds of them. People humbled and shadowy all around me. Their hands clutched in front of them. Their heads hot against the cold rough wall. They are crying at the wall, with silent lips and invisible tears.
Meet us all at the wall Lord God. Find us here. We have been discarded here. We have been dropped off with no way to return to the life we knew and we are terrified.
Lord God, meet me in the tomorrow I cannot see. Meet me in the moment I lift my foot to take the first labored step cause Lord I am so weary of walking. I am struggling at the wall. I am bleeding at the wall. I am broken in humbleness to you my God.
I should have never put any hope in a man who cannot compare to you. You never would have dropped me. You are true to your word.
You see me here Lord. Tears are streaming down my face and I have never in my life been more beautiful to you.
Meet me at the wall. Find me at the wall. Burry the old me at the wall and bring me back to life, whole, healed, and ready. Bring me back to life, a better life, a safer life where I trust only in you from here until eternity.
Please know it will get better. God has been so faithful in picking me up and reminding me just how special I am to him. I have no doubt He can do the same for you. God Bless!